differentials

Maybe if you keep telling yourself that you are happy it will work.  Maybe if you proclaim it to the world, it just pressures you to be really be happy. Maybe if you see that many people like that you are happy, it should be enough incentive to be happy.

I am a simple girl. Make me happy.

it was that familiar sinking feeling
of longing…
quite sure it’s not anginal
it’s that numbing inner threat
of something tipping the balance

ah…
it’s just you
gone in my life.
it’s just a weirdly palpable void
sucking that
gust of breath in my lungs
rushing harshly against my inner peace

I hate the sinking feeling
Ill-defined inner scathing

Again, I count endless days
until the calm rests on me
until the void is filled by another
yes
that all too familiar
calm of solitary soul
a self-borne emptiness
so contained, so meaningless
that knows no edges
that heeds no imbalance.

the story of my life.
ugh.

Do I deserve the silence
The equivalent of your space
And what of your undefined hostility
anger or just plain indifference?

I ask calm in return
of my turning my back on you
For it is as much your loss
as my hope that I burn

For it was no choice
just a thoughtful narrative
the merits you could distill
affirm beyond the noise

Do I deserve abandonment
as I lead you out
after I let you in
too close to pain me this moment

What of distance
that I cannot touch you
what of the lines of love and friendship
both gone with the other’s absence

I ask too much
because I give too much
I cry for the calm
as my turbulence wails such.

It was my hero shell
that wished I made you smile
It was my shielded love
that wanted you truly well

Your armor is your pride
My narcissism is my downfall
That in the battle, no hero, no love
could spell happiness to abide.